A letter to my younger self

Dear Alicia,

Aging is not quite what you expect.  The world instills a certain fear in women about getting older. It intimates that we will become less beautiful, less attractive, and somehow less valuable. We are handed a script of restrictions and great expectations on how to behave or shrink at a certain age.

Interestingly, I have discovered a somewhat different reality.

Some changes will catch you off guard, but you will also feel like you are finally becoming more of who you were always meant to be. Here are a few things about aging you won’t quite expect.

The  moment you realise the world no longer sees you as young

It will hit you when walking down a street in Jamaica one day.  A young man will greet you as “big ooman”. That is the cultural equivalent of “Aunty” in many non-Western societies. It will knock the wind out of you and provoke a mild identity crisis. You are 40. You feel as young and alive as ever, but that day, you will realise that the world sees you differently. It will be sobering, but you will eventually embrace it.

The grief of leaving peak childbearing years behind

I know you are neutral about having children. You think they are wonderful, but you also know that life can be spectacular without them. Yet, nothing will quite prepare you for the reckoning that you have passed what the medical fraternity would consider a healthy childbearing age. You will somehow find yourself grieving the closing of a door you were not even sure you wanted to walk through.

How soon your body begins to change

You did not quite anticipate the physical and physiological shifts in your forties. For one thing, your body hurts sometimes for reasons you cannot understand. Stooping now feels like an Olympic sport. One misplaced arm during sleep can mean days of neck or shoulder pain. Your midsection becomes unexpectedly softer, looser. Even though your diet is far improved from the junk you ate in your twenties, the pounds will pile on with ease. And stay. The changes you assumed were meant for “old people” will arrive sooner than you expected.

How your ambitions will evolve

You have always been highly ambitious. You were going to change the world, rise to the top, and secure the prestige, glory, and accolades. You will accomplish much. You will earn the prestige and the money, but eventually they will lose their lustre. The C-Suite will look less attractive. Office politics will exhaust you. Instead, you will crave depth, alignment, peace of mind, and work that makes a tangible impact. You will begin to realise that life is too short to waste time on meaningless and misaligned work. That realisation will lead to some radical decisions, and you will be better for it.

Showing up more authentically and confidently

You have always sought to live authentically, but there were some societal expectations you simply did not question. As a Black woman, you were taught that being truly beautiful involved wearing your hair straight. Nails were to be polished; makeup was required to “enhance” your beauty; eyebrows needed to be plucked; and every bit of body hair was to be waxed away.

Eventually, you will tire of the Beauty Olympics. You will question why being beautiful requires disguising all the features God has so intentionally endowed you with. Then, you will finally realise that you have always been beautiful, exactly as you are.

The authenticity will show up in other more meaningful ways too. You will begin to insist on only choosing career paths that resonate with you, being more honest with yourself and others, setting more boundaries, and living more on your terms. The sense of freedom will be nothing short of intoxicating.

How ephemeral everything is

You and those around you will experience enough loss for you to realise that nothing and no one truly belongs to you and nothing lasts forever. Friendships will fade. Family and friends will die. You will lose money on the stock market during a global pandemic. A lot of money. Your house will start showing its age after a decade. Your car too.

You will realise that you too will eventually leave everything behind. The realisation will spark in you an urge to truly enjoy the people, the moments, and the possessions because everything is transient. You will emerge from this acknowledgement profoundly resilient and grateful.

There is no need to be apprehensive about aging, young Ally. The truth is you will come to see that aging is not about disappearing; it is about finally being fully present with yourself.