A letter to my younger self

Dear Young Ally,

I was reflecting on marriage recently. We are single and in our forties and living a very enjoyable and deeply fulfilling life. To some that sounds like a paradox. Society keeps shouting that marriage is the ultimate prize, a finish line we should be racing towards. Any other marital status, by contrast, is considered temporary, incomplete, and undesirable. Marriage is enjoyable; singleness is not.

The consequence is often that so many people, including our friends, defer their lives until marriage because it simply does not occur to them that happiness is possible without a wedding ring.  Some say, “I will travel when I get married” or “I will buy a house when I get married”. How presumptuous and limiting! What if we all don’t get married? History is replete with stories of women who did not. Should we pine for the rest of our lives or curl up and die?

Others cling to relationships that have long passed their expiration date because marriage becomes the holy grail, not true love, not safety, not self-respect. That has never made sense to me.

It seems to me that marriage and singleness are merely two states of being. I have seen happy married people and happy single people. I’ve seen depressed married people and depressed single people. The pattern seems clear: joy does not depend on marital status. What a radical idea!

What if singleness and happiness are not mutually exclusive? What if we simply sought to live fully regardless of marital status, pursuing a life of purpose, passion, self-discovery and service to humanity? Should that not be the true prize: a life well lived?

Young Ally, not everything is either black or white. Some things are both and some are neither.

Love,

Your Older Self